Chuck Norris Facts
Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
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Additional Chuck Norris Facts
* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
* Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
* Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
* Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
* The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
* Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
* Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
* In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
* Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
* Chuck Norris doesnâ€™t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
* A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
* Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
* Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
* Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
* Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you up.
* The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
* Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
* Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
* 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
* Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
* Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
* In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
* Chuck Norris’ favorite cereal is Kellogg’s Marbles ‘N’ Gravel.
* The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.